To Be The Same
by Femme Jade M
Summary: Narcissa's thoughts about herself, Lucius, and Draco. (NarcissaLily)


To be the Same By: Jade Maxwell Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter! Warning: Lily/Narcissa femslash (citrusy goodness) as well as Lucius/James and Draco/Harry slash hints. Angst, slight sappiness, and more sad thoughts. From Narcissa's POV, things will be twisted to how she sees it and she's a but drugged. Summary: Narcissa's thoughts on her life, her husband's and her son's life; how they are all the same, but drastically different. And the one true love that slipped through her fingers.  
  
~~  
  
We're the same; Lucius, Draco, and myself so much alike. Sure, some would say that it was the Malfoy blood. That the only thing connecting us was the Dark Arts, Voldemort (no, I'm not afraid to think his name), and the Death Eaters. Sure, those things are relevant, but that is not what I speak of now. I speak of a time before I married Lucius Malfoy, before we had our son. When I was just a small, spoiled, daddy's girl going to Hogwarts at eleven years of age.  
  
The train station had seemed so big and the train so long that it went on forever. I had never seen anything of the sort and it quite literally scared the crap out of me. So I clung to my dad's large hand as we made our way towards the maroon monstrosity. He was holding the cage that my cat was sleeping in and he was pushing my trunk so I had little to do. Except cling for dear life. The Hogwarts Express had frankly been my worst nightmare years afterwards. I had this strange fear of trains and the Hogwarts Express was not the most appealing one to be around in that condition.  
  
Yet I went on as bravely as I could. (Of course after a tearful goodbye to my precious father.) Looking for a seat somewhere that didn't involve too many people. For I had never had many friends growing up. My mother and father never thought it was greatly important. So, being the spoilt girl I was, of course I agreed. Luckily, I was early enough to get a seat in the very back. My cat was placed up above and my trunk pushed underneath.  
  
It was quite back there, away from the chattering of the other children. I pulled out a book, Hogwarts: A History, and emerged myself in the facts of my new school. Entranced as I was, I didn't notice the soft cough until it became a tap on my shoulder. Slowly, I lowered my book and came face to face with the greenest eyes I had ever seen. A pale face dusted with pale freckles and deep red hair spiraling down around slender shoulders. And even at only eleven I knew this girl was the antithesis of everything I cherished. Before we had even said a single word to one another there was a foreboding sense of a tragic friendship.  
  
"Excuse me, mind if I sit back here with you? There's no more space anywhere else!" She was chipper and smiling like she had known me for years. I nodded my head in consent and she pushed her slightly tattered trunk in the compartment. Then she set her own cat above her head, albeit with some trouble. I couldn't stop my eyebrow from finding its way into my hairline. "My sister had a hissy fit because I was going to get a cat and not her. So she tried to tear my trunk apart." How she knew that I had been calculating her trunk was beyond me.  
  
"Do you have a name?" Came her impertinent question and I was tempted to glare at her, but she didn't really deserve it.  
  
"Narcissa," I replied shortly before closing my book.  
  
"I'm Lily!" She seemed to think as she took her seat next to me. Then the brightest smile I had ever seen upon a girl's face lit hers up and she clapped her hands. "We both have names after beautiful flowers!" The comment, which had taken a great deal of thought from the red-haired young girl, seemed so hilarious because of how much thought it had taken. That I covered my mouth with my hand and started to giggle. This quickly caught on to her and in turn started a tentative friendship.  
  
A friendship that would've surely blossomed if we had been placed in the same house. Yet, as fate would have all things we were placed in the two most opposing houses in all of history. I became the Slytherin expected of my heritage, while she became the Gryffindor she truly was. My theory was proven correct over the years as repeatedly we disagreed. Simple plans to just hang out were often ruined by both of our conceptions of the world around us. With both of us glaring malevolently and storming away. Only to apologize a week later.  
  
And, as all good things end in my life, we drifted farther apart. Considering we had never been that close in the first place just compounded the fact that we were never meant to be friends. Then, by our fourth year we hadn't talked to each other civilly for over a year. Soon, civility became harsh threats and degrading looks. I felt I was losing something important, when unexpectedly I had a dream.  
  
Now, you're probably wondering what a dream has to do with anything. It meant everything had changed though. For it wasn't any mere dream. It was a fantasy that repeated itself for weeks, months, and soon it was a year of these varied fantasies and my fifth year was pressing at my back. The year that I became someone spiteful. No longer did everyone around me, especially Gryffindors, hold me the elegant creature in high respect. I became a fifteen-year-old girl blossoming under the soft caresses of young men, and the passionate, if inexperienced, gropes with young women.  
  
Never did the dream ease. No it became harsher and more realistic with each breast I fondled, each nipple I nipped at, and with each orgasm borne from quickly skillful hands. Increasingly it was girls in my bed only; each trying to fulfill the role of the only person I couldn't approach. And each of these beautiful creatures failing so miserably that I refused to acknowledge them afterwards. It was cruel, it was undeserved, it was the only thing I could do until the end of the year.  
  
All too soon it was my sixth year and I had calmed down considerably. For over the summer break I had met my soon to be fiancé, Lucius Malfoy. He was the epiphany of all that was beauty in a man. With white-blonde hair, surprising similar to my own platinum-blonde tresses. Stark gray eyes that revealed nothing in their icy-cold depths and his alabaster skin so similar to my own you'd think we were meant to be related.  
  
Now that it doesn't matter much, I can admit that he astounded me only the first time I met him. Before he opened his thin lips to give a polite hello, before I saw sun darkened limbs wrapping sensuously around his waist in an abandoned room. Long, Quidditch strengthened legs belonging to Lily's new boyfriend, James Potter. At that moment I was angered to point where I almost broke them up and lectured Lucius for his behavior. He was a Malfoy; he had a duty to uphold, dammit! But, I didn't enter the room any farther than I had already and instead walked away.  
  
Later I realized it wasn't Lucius I was angered with. No, it was Lily's pathetic little Gryffindor! How dare he go behind her back like that! Then it hit me how all those dreams; those fantastic fantasies of her lithe body were because what I felt for her was something I shouldn't. That's when I stopped a particularly fiery relationship with the Parkinson girl.  
  
Hell, I can't even remember her name as I recall these memories and she's a "close friend" of mine. Her daughter is destined to marry my son and I don't think he'll be willing to. Not with James Potter's son so willing to fulfill his every need and vice-versa. But that's unimportant for now.  
  
Once the relationship ended all I could think of was how here amazing green eyes would widen in shock when I told her how I felt. Then I imagined she would admit she had similar feelings while kissing me languidly. These thoughts would come unbidden while in Potions, watching her laugh with James. While James sent sly glances at Lucius, who would work stonily beside me. Soon my fantasies of telling her just about me came to wanting to tell her about James and his little affair with the Slytherin. I imagined the way her face would crumble under the force of her sadness, the way she would shake her head. Ignoring the fat tears welling in her beautifully dark eyes and exclaim of treachery and spitefulness.  
  
In those ones she never fell into my arms, she would dismiss me and run away. Her robes flaring the shadow behind her in soft waves. Then I would shake my head and continue whatever task I was trying to do. Knowing that no matter how much it pained me to know the nights Lucius went out he was meeting with that Gryffindor slut, getting his kicks out of hurting the lovely Lily as pollution harms the flowers petals.  
  
Unexpectedly, when I was eating dinner one night, I remembered the last thing Lily ever declared to me in the Library. She was thirteen, her face loosing its baby fat and sliming into a perfect oval. Her hair was loose, kissing her robed shoulders with a lover's gentility. She was standing over me, eyes blazing with anger and an emotion that only now I understand. Her words cut through me like a knife. "You are a cold hearted bitch. You will never feel anything for anyone! The whole of your life will be spent using and mistreating people until you find some poor, unsuspecting man to tie to. He'll be miserable and you will too. I hope that knowing that makes you happy. I hope that when it happens, for it will happen, that you remember I was here for you. Probably the only friend you'll ever have in your life. And you lost me to your stubbornness." then she had fled the Library. I didn't know if she cried, but later that night a single drop fell to my hand as I remembered her words. They had seemed all to true at the time.  
  
After that little memory subsided I found myself at the end of a molten gaze across the room at the Gryffindor table. Dark green eyes, dark impassioned eyes gazing so deep into me that I could feel them gouge out a piece of my soul. Then I realized why she looked at me like that and it was because in my moment of reverie, I had been staring at her with thought. And I couldn't stop thinking about how wrong she was about me; here I was, sighing over the fantasy that was her deep red hair and blazing emeralds, falling for the one person you don't fall for.  
  
A betrayed friend.  
  
But try as I did to keep her away, it was becoming impossible. In Potions we were always paired together, only talking when necessary if even that. And I would find myself gazing at her lightly tanned skin, wanting to run my hands over it then through her hair. Touch my lips to hers and feel if they would be as silky as they appeared. She caught me, only once, and it had been enough.  
  
Our relationship once one of indifferent hurt and anger turned to excited caresses behind statues, or in abandoned classrooms. The irony of it was not lost on me at all. Many a time I imagined Lucius walking in on us, as I had that singular night and watching us and maybe feeling angry with Lily. As I had with Potter.  
  
This never happened and for the rest of our sixth year we spent roaming the darkened school halls and each other's body.  
  
The final year came as quickly as the sixth and I couldn't help but feel some hidden danger was lurking. Just waiting to get its greedy claws into my life and screw it all up. So, with this feeling gnawing at my heart I went through my final year. Ignoring the darkness of that greedy danger as best I could with Lily's sweet kisses. With her cool hands that warmed quickly on my skin and often went ice-cold as she would orgasm. Then it was all over, all too soon.  
  
And I was a little girl again, clinging openly to Lily's arm as James and Lucius walked ahead of us. Not caring that I might look weak. We all acted like good friends even Lily's and Potter's friends were accepting us now. So everyone just thought I clinging as a good friend to another good friend. The train seemed larger than it had my first year. Maybe it was because I knew I would never ride it again, this was my last time on the wretched thing. As with my first time I glared lankly at it, knowing it wouldn't change it to something less frightening, but trying nonetheless.  
  
Lily's milky white arm hugged me close, I had told her my fear of trains, and then we boarded. James and Lucius lost amongst the students boisterously cheering the end of another year. Inside I was terrified, for Lucius and I were to be married in July ad then I would never see Lily again. She was going off to marry Potter and live happily ever after. For, their love even with the hardships was still there. Lucius and I had o love for each other. We barely even liked one another to be in the same room at the same time.  
  
I remember pushing our way through the throng, and suddenly she had me inside the storage room for the food supply and her luscious lips were brushing mine. Reassuringly, as if she knew this would be our last time. Then it was all heat and flesh. The one moment I remember better than our first time.  
  
Her lips, not bothering to even open my mouth for a deeper kiss, traversed across my chin and down my neck. Here she opened her mouth and ran a deliciously cold tongue over my pulse. Eliciting a mew of satisfaction. My hands were caressing her scalp, drawing shivers of pleasure out of her as that tongue found its way to my earlobe. Once there she suckled roughly and a sharp hiss breathed through my clenched teeth and I unthinkingly tilted my head to give her more of my neck. She took full advantage of it. Scraping her teeth down and I remember the little mark she left was so exotic I almost got off on just knowing who put it there later.  
  
Then my dress was being unbuttoned down the front and she was kissing each inch of newly exposed skin. I could only sigh, watching her move down and spreading my legs apart. Her cool hands running up my inner thighs light enough to give me goosebumps and make me moan. Then she had my dress undone, her hands trailing along the line of my panties. At the joint of hips and just under my navel where she found a sudden interest.  
  
An agile tongue dipped in my bellybutton and I was so caught up in her hands that a moan of shock drifted through my lips. Before I could really get into the thoughts of what else that tongue could be doing, she had moved up to undo my bra. Letting my, personally, small breasts to be freed for her hands and mouth. All of which she put to good use. The pleasure of that warm cavern around my nipple, and silky tongue along the underside of my breast, ghosts of satin fingertips along my ribcage. All of it was too much and I had to lean against the nearest cart, luckily not covered with sweets and candy, to hold myself up. She took advantage of the situation and divested me of my dress, the bra following it off. Leaving me in my shoes and panties.  
  
Suddenly it wasn't very fair that she was still fully clothed so I pulled her up, started to drag the large tee shirt off, then I slowly pushed her pants down, and she stepped out of them easily. She was left only in a simple white bra and equally simple panties. All I could do was smile approvingly.  
  
Well, after that things got hot and heavy. And we both ended up having our orgasms at the same time. One another's names painted on each other's lips along with scratches and love bites. All of which we decided to keep just this once. It being our last time and both of us knowing that. When we emerged, it was to an empty walkway and quickly we found our seats with our soon to be husbands. Both looked as mussed as we were. And I could see that James had been crying, while Lucius was glaring coldly out the window.  
  
Later I found out it was because James had become clingy, wanting to stay with Lucius. He should have known better, at least Lily had the smarts not to become possessive. Even if it hurt to say goodbye to her at the train as we went our separate ways.  
  
I never thought the next time I'd see her would be at her funeral and all I saw was a picture of her atop of the coffin. From afar, for no one wanted the wife of a Death Eater near the dearly departed. Especially if said Death Eater had been there that night. I don't know how he did it. And secretly I was glad that Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, did live through that.  
  
He'll make a perfect life partner for Draco. For, unlike Harry's parents, or Lucius and I for that matter, they would be together through everything. So I wish those to the happiness I only had for a brief year and a half.  
  
As I think of all this, I can feel the spell from earlier working its way into my system. It was a powerful slow action spell that killed. It was a Dark Art, the only one I ever learned. And I can see Lily's strong spirit reaching for me under the weight of death. James was nowhere in sight, for this I was thankful. Then her wonderful light engulfed me and I whispered a goodbye to my son, for he would miss me terribly when I was gone for good.  
  
.  
  
Um, well, that wasn't quite how I had it planned. I hope everyone enjoyed it though. Please Review! I live for reviews! 


End file.
